When Fear Replaces Connection in Neurodiverse Marriages
One dynamic I see repeatedly in my work involves a neurodiverse couple—specifically, a man on the autism spectrum (ASD) and a neurotypical (NT) wife—who have been stuck in unresolved conflict for years. At this stage, something surprising is often true: The autistic husband is genuinely afraid of his wife. That statement may sound extreme, but it’s not an exaggeration. Over time, fear replaces connection, and both partners feel trapped in a cycle neither intended to create. How This Pattern Develops This dynamic usually begins innocently enough. The NT wife experiences a lack of emotional reciprocity . Her expectations for connection, validation , empathy , and shared emotional life are not being met. She feels lonely, unseen, and increasingly distressed. With good intentions, she tries to fix the relationship. She initiates conversations, points out problems, suggests changes, and pushes for closeness. She is trying to save the marriage. But inside the autistic husband...
